Cults Don’t Stand a Chance Against Ted Patrick (feat. Gary Anthony Williams) – Drunk History
Otis Rodgers August 11, 2019 100 Comments
– Hello. My name is
Anais Fairweather, and tonight I’m gonna
tell you the story of Ted Patrick. – Wait. Will you go like this? – Is there a fly? – You got gnats in here. – [gasps] Oh, my God! [blowing] – I don’t know why
you let all these gnats in.– So the day is July 4,
1971.14-year-old Michael Patrick
comes home.He’s [bleep] up.His eyes are all
bewildered-looking.He looks like he’s been
set into trance.His father, Ted Patrick,
runs to the doorand he’s like,
what the [bleep]?You were supposed to be home
hours ago.He’s like, I was talking
to children of God,and I’m gonna go [bleep]
live with them now.Here’s a pamphlet.Here’s what they’ve been
telling me.Ted Patrick’s like,
[bleep] that!He looks at the pamphlet
and he’s like,this is a bunch of
brainwashing bullshit.Get in your bed,
go to sleep–done!His son goes to bed,
and Ted Patrickdoesn’t think about it
for another week.A week later after
Fourth of July,after this whole thing
went down,this friend runs in
and she’s like,I need your help.
My [bleep] son Billy,14 years old–No.[laughing]
19 years old…has been missing
since Fourth of July,last seen with a bunch of
people holding bibles.He’s been gone
since Fourth of July!So he starts making
all these phone calls.He gets the names of 52 kidswho has been taken by
the Children of God.52 [bleep] kids gone–
in one week!The police and authorities,
they all say, sorry,can’t do anything about it
because, you know,most of these kids are like
19 years old, 18 years old.They–they can make their
own decisions at this point.Ted Patrick says like,
well, there’s only one thingI can do–I gotta become
a Children of the God.A Child of the God.
Whatever.So [bleep] Ted Patrickgoes out to Mission Beach,follows what his son told himwhere all those kids were
hanging out, sees the bus.The bus is painted
Children of God on the side.He sees all these
good-looking young kidspreaching the word of God
on the outside of the bus.He’s like,
that’s the [bleep] bus.They ask him all these
questions like,are you a follower of God,
do you love God,how much money do you have
in your bank account?And Ted Patrick’s like,they just [bleep] want
my money.[whispers]
I’m so drunk. [both laughing]And they like kiss cheeksand then he like
high-fived ’emand then got on the bus.[solemn music]They drive to Santee
in San Diego.It’s a commune there,
Children of God commune.Ted Patrick walks into
this commune,and there’s speakers
[bleep] lining the walls.David Berg, who’s like the
Moses of Children of God,is just like blaring out
his prophecieswhich are things like
Jesus loves you,but the only way
that he loves youis if you denounce
your parents,if you give up all of your
money and your possessions,if youonlydo this.And if you step off of
this communeand you do not become
a Child of God,then the [bleep] devil’s
gonna get you.They’re gonna
strike you dead.And imagine this time.Of course these kids
are [bleep] believing that, because they’re already
kind of rebelling against their parents, rebelling against
the government.They’re confused.
They’re looking for answers.And, you know,
Ted Patrick’s 41 years old,so he’s like, I’m, A,
have been in the service,B, I’m a middleweight
[bleep] boxer.– Oh, really?
– Yeah, dude, he was!So anyway, he’s like,
I can probably[bleep] withstand this
and gain some intelon this [bleep]
Children of God shit.44 hours later, he hasn’t
[bleep] eaten anything,he hasn’t drinken anything.This is all the Children
of God brainwashing.All that he’s been receiving
is the world of David Berg.He’s like, you know
the devil [bleep] wants you.The devil wants to get
in your little head…and all this shit.So then finally, at 48 hours,he’s finally allowed
to take a nap.It was wall-to-wall,
shoulder-to-shoulder,head-to-foot people
sleeping in this roomthat smelled like shit
on tiny little blankets.But people were passing out
’cause they were so exhaustedand hungry and thirsty.He wakes up after
a three-hour nap.He’s like,
I believe this shit.What the [bleep]
am I talking about?I don’t believe this shit!
This shit’s [bleep] bullshit!He’s like, I gotta get
the [bleep] out of here.He runs up to like one of
those little guysand he’s like, I gotta
give you everything I own.If I don’t,
the devil’s gonna get me,and they’re like, you’ve
accepted the word of God.And he’s like, uh-huh!
So he like leaves,and they’re like, bye!And he was like,
if I don’t do something,nobody’s gonna do something.So he started the Free COG–
Free Children of God.And he talked to
a bunch of parents.All those 52 families,
there were parents who said,I’ll be [bleep] willing
to give up anything.And then he’s like…you.
You need help.This couple,
and they have a daughter.She dropped out of USC
and joined Children of God.And so he goes–he [bleep]
infiltrates the communewith her parents.He grabs her,
and she’s [bleep] screaming[bleep] you,
you’re the devil–all this shit–
and Ted Patrick’s like,okay, whatever.
I’m not.He shoves her in the car,
shuts the door, drives off. I’m…very drunk. – You’re okay.
– At the time right now. [giggling] All right, so–
– Welcome. – Thank you.
– Okay, so Ted Patrick,he takes the girl
who was a USC dropout,[bleep] brings her
to a motel.Three days of questioning.
He asks the last question.Well, why does God
want your parents to die?Her eyes changed.She lifted out of the trance,and he said it was the most
beautiful thinghe’d ever seen.And she was like,
I am so sorry.I’ve been calling you the
black devil this whole time.I’ve been telling my parents
I [bleep] hate them.I’m so sorry.She apologized profusely
to everybody,hugged everybody…and was like,
you saved my life.And Ted Patrick
looked at herand he was like,
you’ve been deprogrammed.They were all like,
holy shit,thank you…you know?[laughing] What am I saying right now? – [laughing]– So he gets a phone call
from Ralph Collins.He’s like this really
well known realtor.And he’s like,
I need your help.My daughter Pam
has been takenby the Children of God
with her fiancé,and I need your [bleep]
help.They hop in the car.They drive to the commune
in Colorado.They pull up to thisvery [bleep] high-stakes
situation.There’s like people
on watch towersand vicious dogs
running around,350 young adults
just being like,I am a robot.Ralph Collins
sees his daughter walking upand he’s like, she looks
like a [bleep] alien.And she [bleep] pulls up,
walks up to the carwith five dudes,and Ted Patrick’s like,
shit.So he’s with this guy Danny
who knows karate.The parents pop out of
their car and they’re like,honey,
and Pam’s like, Dad, Mom.He opens up the trunk,
and [bleep] Dannythe [bleep] Karate Kidchops Pam’s fiancé
in the face.And then Ted Patrick
is like, gotcha!And she’s like,
what the [bleep]?They grab Pam, throw her
in the back of the car,skid out of there.
He drives off.And then they drive
to a motel.Ted Patrick questions Pam
for two days,and Pam finally came to.And her eyes shifted
and she was like,Mom, Dad, I [bleep] up,
and Ted Patrick knew.He looked at her in the eyes
and he was like,you’re fine, you’re good.
You’re deprogrammed.And so he dedicated his lifeto helping people recover
from these brainwashings.And he was like, the only way
I can live with myselfafter what I witnessed
at Children of God commu–commune is if I…help these people.He knew he was
the only personthat had the [bleep] balls
to do this.No one else wanted
to touch this shit.Ted Patrick is creditedwith deprogramming
upwards of a thousand ex-cult memberswho were very stoked.‘Cause they were like,
I got my brain back!Thank you!
– [laughs]– Ted Patrick was like,
you can just call meBlack Lightning,
and everyone was like,pffft, been calling you
that for days.I don’t like to be
judgmental of, like,people’s belief systems, because everyone
believes something different, but these belief systems
aren’t religions. They’re cults because
you no longer have rights. You don’t have freedoms.Ted Patrick was like,
when these [bleep] cultsare advertising correctly,when they [bleep]
brand themselves right,[snaps] I’ll be done.Until then,
I’ma [bleep] deprogramall these [bleep] kids.That’s that he did. – Cheers.
– Cheers! – Yay!
– [laughing] – To finding the truth. – Holy shit. What a [bleep] lightweight
I am. [laughing]
- 1960's
- Anais Fairweather
- and
- Angela Trimbur
- bleep
- booze
- brainwashing
- children of god
- comedians
- comedy
- comedy central
- comedy videos
- cult deprogramming
- cult members
- cults
- cults don’t stand a chance
- David Berg
- deprogramming
- Derek Waters
- drinking
- drunk
- Drunk History
- Drunken History
- funny
- funny clips
- funny video
- Gary Anthony Williams
- history
- History of Cults
- Story
- Ted Patrick
- The
- true story
- truth
This is how you tell a fucking story!
Dang gamnit
There's some excellent docs on this story on YouTube. Children of God.
sure she is drunk, sounds more like horney the way she talks xD It's like im watching a pornoXD
this would be a great movie
This played out like a show in the 90s
Someone should make a movie about this guy!
Why yall hatin on all jesus cause o some cultists?
🤣🤣🤣
Gary Anthony Williams looks great with that weight loss.
8:08 they should have had him hold up a pillow to his face to match the audio
Never heard of this man, what a story.
Danny the f#cking karate export now that's a f*ckin movie
Sexiest voice all I can think about is fuckin her brains out
Holy crap this is crazy!! Wow. That is some intense kind of history.
Lets play a drinking game everytime she tells you how drunk she is take a shot
9:04 That magical glass – it's self-filling – I want it!)
The "Heavens Gate" cult could have used a man like Ted Patrick lol.. I cant believe all those people commited suicide with those fresh ass nikes on, n their matching track suits, thinking that a ufo that was following hailies comet was gonna pick up their souls.. 😐😐😐
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO-mlDSlfw8
I keep thinking she's saying Saint Patrick
Wow nothing Comedy Central puts out is funny anymore.
"And these kids were fucking preaching the word of God and he's like 'this is the fucking bus!'" Lmao
Wtf did I just watch?
WALT!!!
WALT!!!
WAAALLLLLLLT!!!
She's so cute.
The Deprogrammer 2: Ted Patrick Vs Scientology
Didn't the first one go back to the cult & he had to perfect his method on them by doing it a second time.
funny, she just define Christianity and sum as cult, which they already are
Holy shit, she's hilarious. This was a good one. I want to watch more episodes with her.
OMG! I WAS ACTUALLY IN THIS CULT!!!
That’s the fucking bus!
Dude my son starts talking about a cult or a commune I'm gonna just go to each and every one of thwir meetings and just pop their bubbles and convince the people on how fucking good they actually have and that life is to short to worry about shit like god and satan we're a fucking speck on a speck on top of a speck compared to the universe which is still expanding to this day now why the fuck would any Supreme being want to deal with a race of beinga like us for real fucking think about it humans can do stupid,violent,and self destructive only species to commit suicide and we're all racist go to china just a bunch of 4'4 and 4'10 people go to america and you got drunks degenerates and junkies go to ruasia as an american have fun getting out of a bogus charge their police are throwing on you for fun germany you got some seriously either loud and out spoken drunks or a csgo player australia is only 1% populated by humans they lost a war to birds and all people can think are beaers and barbies and putting more shrimp on said barbie though the wild folk(country folk) I can hear them clear as a whistle I can speak drunk and since I'm also a mainah so mumblers kinda make up half are state so you get used to thick accents
Don't kidnap anyone, even if you are trying to save them.
Thank you, ant.
Is the guy playing David Berg, Keegan Michael Key?
Why does Danny travel in the trunk though?
What a badass
wait til comedy central releases all the videos of him fucking the story tellers after
This series makes me wonder if some of the people they talk about like Ted Patrick who are still alive ever find this channel and watch videos like this about them. I'd be really interested to find out what they think about other people's interpretation of what they accomplished.
so you can say shit but not fuck
7:15 did that karate kid pop out from the trunk?! So after showing of his karate move did he went back into the trunk also where do you get karate kid?!
And today, this same cult is responsible for that gif of the sheep doll falling off a cliff.
The irony!😂😂
Look up dawn watson
We need Ted Patrick to deprogram these Trumpists
I love these episodes!
Kidnapping and 'deprograming' people of the age of consent, 18, is a federal crime in the USA. Just so you know.
plot twist: Guy is not sitting there for listening to her stories. He's getting her drunk so he can then occult that pussy in to oblivion and she's even being funny while he's at it!
I get the Simpsons reference now.
In 1980 Patrick was paid $27,000 to carry out the deprogramming of Susan Wirth, a 35-year-old teacher living in San Francisco. He was hired by her parents, who objected to her involvement in leftist political activities. The process involved handcuffing her to a bed for two weeks and denying her food. She was later released and after returning to San Francisco spoke out against deprogramming but declined to press legal charges against her parents or Patrick.
Ted Patrick charged about $20,000 to "deprogram" some one.
Her laugh at the end 😍 😘
Drunk people educate me more than my own high school history teachers.
I love vicious dogs like that!! My dog is just as vicious 😂😂😂
“These are cults cause you no longer have freedoms” applies to many religions.
Danny the karate kid 😂😂😂
Is it sexist that all I could think about is how she’s hot?
Why deprogram people who can be programmed. They are a liability in the journey of the human race. What if aliens came and reprogrammed those sucks to kill everyone'?!?!
"Mom dad fuck that"
Smart Brotha is small now
Those vicious dogs tho.
This was great storytelling for how drunk she was.
The only difference between a religion and a cult is the number of members.
5:18 What 3rd wave feminist be like, and what they needed.
What an amazing man!
voiceover acting on point…wtf lol so good with the timing. Anyways…it's the little things
Funky Fresh!
Sadly, based on today's standards, Ted Patrick's approach to acquiring and de-programming these people would be considered illegal and labeled as "false imprisonment."
As an ex-cult member, this dude is a fuckin' BAMF.
Holy f*** I live in Santee, that's hilarious!
I'd have no problem killing a bunch of those kids, so I could get my kid back
(For those dumb people "how would you take them all on". Simple: 1911)
I WANT TO JOIN A CULT SO THAT I CAN JUST TAKE OVER! -.-
In case anyone is curious
5:35
The actress who represents the daughter is Angela Trimbur. Her channel on Youtube is Angela, but if you type her name up, it should pop up c:
Wtf!? I thought this was the History of Drunks? Oh well, I'm gonna subscribe anyway!😁👍
how is this funny?
LOVE THIS NEED MORE EPISODESSS
Wish Ted would do something about Catholicism.
"Holy shit… thank you… you know… "
Angela Trimbur. Killing it on the court and on the screen.
Omg new hero
I wish she had !are him say "dumb lil white girl! This shit heres a cult!"
"Mom, dad I fucked up" we all been there before
So we’re just not gonna talk about how he’s wearing Kiryu’s signature suit?
God I want to fuck her
It sounded like she was saying "Teh-Patrick" because her speech was so slurred. Kinda cute.
her voice is annoying
It took me way too long to recognize Gary Anthony Williams…
doesn't all religion starts out as cults
I would watch a whole Netflix series on this.
Her specification of cults and religions is just an explanation of religion
Kids would remember history better this way, with brief and kinda goofy layout in movie form that skips all the minute details, lol. Then you could backtrack for those in literature, heh.
8:38 was that supposed to be a fist bump xD
What an amazing guy ❤️👍
“Vicious dogs” that’s a good boi what are you talking about
Ted Patrick is a disgusting kidnapper who would go on to sell his services to the highest bidder.
He once was paid $27,000 to kidnap a 35-year-old woman by her parents because they didn't agree with her "leftist political activities". She was handcuffed to a bed and denied food for 2 weeks.
He would also regularly kidnap lgbt+ youths and try to "deprogram" their sexual orientation.
Are ya'll just running out of stories to tell, or did you not fully research this man?
Wtf am i watching
Omg she's adorable 😂
This drunk history stuff is the best.
How about that wall of old speakers at 3:52
We need Ted Patrick to deprogram Trump supporters. They all seem like cult members.
They had me at "vicious dogs"
ALRIGHT, I'M IN!!!
I'd fuck my mom for a Klondike bar