January 23, 2020
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Planet Earth Narrates Single Millennial Male Dating Rituals


The summer solstice in the American
Midwest brings us a particularly fascinating specimen of Homo Sapiens, a single adult male, found in his natural habitat by the poolside. The single male will shed his outer garments in hopes of impressing a female. If a female cannot be found, he will use a mobile communications device in a desperate attempt to find one . In a traditional mating ritual, he holds the device perched at a distance to better display his strong build. This device allows him to communicate with a female up to several thousand miles away. Mating, however, is impossible at such distances. If the male’s calls to the female are successful, she will venture out on the long
journey to close the distance between them. [Message alert sound] He seems to have spotted another
communication attempts to the same female, possibly from a rival. Competition can become violent and the male will take no chances while his desired female remains unclaimed. He stands to his feet and transmits visual imagery of his toned physique to the female of his pursuit. His competition will have to
look elsewhere for a mate this year. [Message send sound] In addition to establishing alpha male
status among rivals, the single male may at times remain shirtless merely to alert females of his availability for breeding. Though vain, this is undoubtedly
a chance to show his muscles which he will not easily miss. The constant display of musculature is the primary reason he will not don a shirt for the season. Though sought by millions of enthusiastic males each year, single human females are not easily impressed by the male’s antics. [Primate sounds] A male can often live for entire decades without attracting a female. Her tendency to favor mature males makes her extraordinarily difficult to catch. Despite unbearable odds against him, the human male will continue to chase the widely elusive female until he is successful.

Otis Rodgers

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