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Suffering in Silence: The Emotional Abuse of Men | Dr. Timothy Golden | TEDxWallaWallaUniversity


Translator: Mohand Habchi
Reviewer: Queenie Lee Thank you very much. Human beings simultaneously
inhabit two worlds. The first of these worlds
is seen and external. It is the world of our five senses, the world of sights and sounds and all that whistles
and goes bump in the night. This is the world of physics,
where life is somewhat predictable. I often tell my students
that no one breaks the law of gravity for if you try to break
the law of gravity, chances are the law
of gravity will break you. Instead, we find ways through the manipulation
of mechanistic, inexorable natural laws to comply with the laws of gravity so that when we fly in an airplane, we do so with some ease
and arrive at our destination safely. The second of these two worlds
is internal and unseen. It is the world of our thoughts,
our emotions and our feelings. We have a bad habit
of privileging what we see and ignoring what we don’t see. And this habit becomes
especially problematic when we consider the fact
that what is unseen and what is neglected
is often what is most important. For example, if all of the oxygen
were sucked out of this room right now, all of us would see how important it is,
but we do not see oxygen. Tonight, I want to tell you
a story of a man who lived long enough to know that what was unseen and important, that is his inner life, the life of what the Greeks
called the Psyche or the soul, that though so important to him, this life was neglected,
terribly neglected. Neglected by his spouse,
neglected by the larger society, and neglected to such a degree
that it led him on more than one occasion to the point of considering
taking his own life. As you listen to the story of this man, I want you to think very carefully
about the men in your lives. I want you to think about your fathers.
I want you to think about your husbands. I want you to think about your brothers,
your uncles and your nephews. This man begins his life in a household that some might
rightly call hyper-masculine. He grows up, the youngest of seven children in a home with three brothers and three sisters. He affectionately calls himself
the tiebreaker. And growing up in a household
with a father and three brothers was sort of like growing up
with four fathers, and growing up in a household
with a mother and three sisters was sort of like growing up
with four mothers. And this household was,
by today’s standards, I would venture to say,
rather chauvinistic. The men had more important things
to do than cook or clean – after all, the men had
to watch football on Sunday. And as this man’s father saw it,
it was the task of the women to tend to the men and make sure
that they had food to eat while they watched the game. And one of the cardinal rules
in this man’s household was that men were never supposed to cry. Men were never supposed to show emotion. Men were never supposed
to cry or show emotion, because to do so was to demonstrate
to the rest of the world, which, by the way,
was always out to get you, that you were weak somehow. And in a strange sort of way,
this man grew up in a household where he never once saw his father cry. As he grew up and moved
through high school, this hyper-masculine mentality
sort of served him well. He excelled on the football
team in high school and bears the distinction to this day
of being the only male in his family who played on a football team
that actually won a league championship. And through all
of the challenging practices in the hot summer sun
before the season started and through all of the bumps and bruises
of playing football in high school, his father’s advice and the advice
of his brothers served him well: “Ignore how you feel even when it hurts.” On the football field, this works nicely
because it means you’re tough, it means you’re a team player. And so his ethics, his value system of being tough, served him well through his adolescent years,
through college. And then he got married. And when he got married, he carried his ideas of masculinity
with him into the marriage. When he got married, he noticed that his spouse
seemed preoccupied with his physical appearance. And from time to time, she would comment
on how displeasing it was to her. And she would comment
on how unattractive he was to her, in the most intimate of ways. She would remark to him about how other men
who she knew in the past that she never even considered dating,
let alone marrying, were far more attractive than he was. But because he had always been taught
to ignore how he felt, he kept going. And it was just like the bumps and bruises
that you experience on the football field: your leg may hurt, but you keep playing
because you have to take it for the team. You have to be a team player. And so he ignored the way he felt,
and he kept going. And not long into his marriage,
he began to see very clearly that his feelings of inadequacy
and a profound sense of worthlessness began to affect him deeply. And he started to experience
intense bouts of depression. But he was always told
to ignore how he felt. He was always told not to cry,
for the cry would make him less of a man. In fact, he was told men don’t even talk
about things like thoughts or feelings. And this pattern continued
throughout his marriage to the point where every
six months to a year, he could with some accuracy pinpoint the moment in time when he would be confronted
with an episode of rage and hostility about what he looked like
and how unattractive he was to his spouse. He continued and persisted,
always ignoring how he felt. Until one day, the hostility
and anger that confronted him reached crisis proportions as his spouse committed
what some would suggest was the ultimate act of betrayal in withdrawing completely from the physical side of the relationship and unilaterally declaring celibacy until such time as he made himself
more attractive for her. Now his feelings of worthlessness
have reached a boiling point. And now, he begins to reach out for help. And for the first time,
about three years ago, this man in our story begins to run internet searches
about how he’s feeling. He couldn’t talk about it, because his father’s voice
still echoed from his grave: “Men don’t talk about things like that.” And as he typed
in the Google search field “feeling of worthlessness,
sadness, depression,” he came across a definition
of emotional abuse. And the definition of emotional abuse
that he found was “an ongoing process where one person systematically diminishes then destroys the inner life of another.” Remember how we inhabit two worlds, one outer and external and seen,
and the other internal and unseen? He realizes now that he has
a name for how he’s feeling. And then he looks up the symptoms. And chief among the symptoms
of emotional abuse is a fixation of the abuser on some physical characteristic
of the abused. And it says that the fixation may persist,
in the worst cases, for decades. And as he thought about it
and as he reflected on it, he came to understand that her persistent demands for him to lose weight
and change his appearance, to make himself more attractive, bore the hallmark symptom
of emotional abuse. He then came across others,
which were menacing tones and looks, and he realized that recently,
the anger and hostility had been ratcheted up to a level
that he had never seen before. And so now, he sees multiple symptoms
of emotional abuse, and he’s in crisis. So he reaches out. And one of the first places
he reaches out to is his church. And he discovers, quite tragically,
that his church is woefully unprepared to deal with abusive situations in terms of emotional abuse in marriages. Now, for the first time,
he understands what he heard all of the women in his church
say for decades, which was “I’m in an abusive relationship,
and the church can’t help me.” Now, for the first time, this man
who had been taught his entire life to ignore the way he felt,
he understood the plight of women in a way that he had
never understood before. All his church could do was tell him
to “stay married and work it out.” And then, fortunately for him, there was one small church about two and a half hour
south of where he lived that provided him a place
through a small men’s group to share how he was feeling. And he discovered that he was
far from being the only one who experienced what he had
been experiencing for so long. In fact, as he engaged
other men in conversation, he realized that their inner lives
had been disregarded as well. Since then, no less than five or six men
have come up to him and said, “Every time you tell me
what happened to you, I’m thoroughly convinced
that you are telling my story.” He got to a place where he thought
that his only way out, having turned to his church for help, having turned to certain male friends
for help and being disappointed, he got to a place where the only thing
he thought he could do to relieve himself of this pain
was to end his life. And on more than one occasion
hatched a plot to do exactly that. This plot reached crisis proportions
when he came to see that the thoughts of suicide
no longer bothered him but rather gave him peace
because, contrary to popular belief, people who kill themselves are not upset, they actually feel quite calm because they know the next step
will bring them relief. He sought a clinical intervention and was talked off of the proverbial edge. And now, this man
is at a much better place. As this man has talked
about his story with other men, they have, as I said a moment ago,
said to him, “You’re telling my story.” I want to take you back to your fathers, to your husbands, to your uncles, to your brothers and to your nephews. And I have a sense that as I talk
and deliver these words to you tonight, I’m probably telling
some of their stories too. I know the man in our story, quite well. That man is me. I hope that as a result
of something I’ve said tonight, someone, some man, somewhere,
somehow, someway, will cease to suffer in silence because someone has listened in a way that has allowed them
to be touched by the story, not necessarily of themselves, but by the story of the men
or man in your life. The aim of tonight’s talk
is to raise awareness and to bring attention
to what is so often neglected. That is to say to the inner life
of a human being. I’m confident that if we give
the inner life of a human being this sort of attention, that men and women will no longer have to suffer in silence. Thank you. (Applause)

Otis Rodgers

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100 COMMENTS

  1. moonguppie Posted on September 11, 2019 at 2:09 pm

    Powerful, so well told and done.

    Reply
  2. Macaroni And Cheese Posted on September 11, 2019 at 8:35 pm

    Denying your emotions makes you weaker not stronger. Crying helps you cope and move forward. Holding in your emotions in makes you vulnerable to many illnesses like cancer, heart disease and diabetes. You got to get the toxins out.

    Reply
  3. Mark S Posted on September 12, 2019 at 6:38 am

    This hits on an important topic. Men's rights and women's rights are not at odds with each other (even if the Men's Rights movement tends to attract some bad actors). They complement each other. Men who feel like they can't show emotion can't empathize with men or women who do. Men who feel like they'll be listened to are able to empathize with others.

    Reply
  4. lorecast162 Posted on September 12, 2019 at 4:29 pm

    He looks like a fusion between Ice Cube and DJ Khaled

    Reply
  5. Christian Miranda Posted on September 13, 2019 at 1:00 am

    Omg he sounds like Kermit the frog

    Reply
  6. Vaughn Titus Posted on September 13, 2019 at 5:27 am

    Good content but this guy needs to practice public speaking.

    Reply
  7. Steppenkater Posted on September 13, 2019 at 5:35 pm

    Ever heard somebody saying: Woman up.
    No?
    There is only: "Man up". Which means: "Shut up. Don't talk about your problems."

    Reply
  8. Crazy Desi Gamers !!! Posted on September 14, 2019 at 3:00 am

    beautiful video ! thank you for this, really helped.

    Reply
  9. Fettbacke Hamster Posted on September 14, 2019 at 7:43 am

    people: do you know is the man?
    Dr. Golden: Well of course I know him. He's me.

    Reply
  10. Christopher Flores Posted on September 14, 2019 at 9:07 pm

    The whole weight thing misses the mark for me. If losing weight would make your wife happy then why not do it. Ive always belived love comes with sacrifice.

    Reply
  11. Bill bick Posted on September 15, 2019 at 5:36 am

    My daughter thinks I hate women but I don't I'm just pro men. This is crazy town we live in. Our men are emotional starved that's why so much depression we used to need each other as men and women. Now we are all sick and brainwashed. While being unhappy ask why we are all so upset and unsatisfied because nature is out of balance. We completed each other now we are broke apart.

    Reply
  12. Лера Воротынцева Posted on September 15, 2019 at 7:43 am

    Well I mean) he needs to lose some weight, we don’t know the other side of this story. My e she tried very hard to help him

    Reply
  13. 86fifty Posted on September 15, 2019 at 3:24 pm

    Duuuuude, I need to go call my estranged dad and apologize to him right now! His mom was more emotionally abusive to him than my mother was, but she wasn't perfect either. This is probably why he never talks about his feelings. In a sad-funny sort of way, it's totally safe for me to leave him a heartfelt voicemail, say I'm so sorry, tell him I love him, and he'll just never bring it up IRL. Cuz he just can't talk about feelings since he never learned how.

    Reply
  14. Woke Posted on September 16, 2019 at 1:43 am

    Spot on. I too have suffered in silence. If it wasn't for the grace, mercy, and love Jesus has shown me when nobody else does…I'm not sure where I would be.

    Reply
  15. Mudassar Nawaz Posted on September 16, 2019 at 3:32 am

    Iv always joked to myself if you want to get rid of a girl open up about your emotions and tell her you love her. The truth is women and men have been conditioned to ultimately not to get along with each other. Women have been conditioned a lot more as they ultimately create men. Men have been neglected. It’s the self era I truly feel sorry for the generation coming into life it’s going to be a nightmare but the true nightmare is when technology bridges the differences. Media and technology are powerful tools in shaping our minds. Ones rights is raised and the others minimised it explains male suicide rate becoming higher and higher. Men can’t be strong without women take away real women and you have the current situation we are in.

    Reply
  16. Sheridan Bernasconi Posted on September 16, 2019 at 4:31 am

    BRAVO!

    Reply
  17. Alemme01 Posted on September 16, 2019 at 5:30 am

    I love this guy’s voice

    Reply
  18. Todd Lasseigne Posted on September 16, 2019 at 5:57 am

    nietzsche says that thoughts of suicide gets us through many a terrible night.

    Reply
  19. Dave K Posted on September 16, 2019 at 10:05 am

    So in other words: good guy got himself a spoiled feminazi who ruined his life, yeah you're not alone in this

    Reply
  20. RedPill Creed Posted on September 17, 2019 at 2:53 pm

    I was in that spot not so long ago… Until I Red Pilled, and dug myself out of that hole. All because my lady neglected me.. Not worth letting someone have control over you like that men, rise up… stay strong and in your masculine frame!!!

    Reply
  21. Ruben Visser Posted on September 17, 2019 at 8:28 pm

    Well done bro.

    Reply
  22. YourDad Posted on September 17, 2019 at 9:57 pm

    You niggas are different, y’all actually head the word of these hoes? Couldn’t be me 🤗

    Reply
  23. Tyler Clarkson Posted on September 18, 2019 at 7:58 am

    This hit me harder than I was expecting. Almost a step by step timeline of my own and many other men I know in todays' time…

    Reply
  24. esrA eloH Posted on September 18, 2019 at 9:55 am

    We don't have 5 senses…

    Reply
  25. Josh Rodriguez Posted on September 18, 2019 at 2:24 pm

    He literally described my life

    Reply
  26. The Lone Wanderer Posted on September 18, 2019 at 5:17 pm

    Protect this man at all costs.

    Reply
  27. JD Robinson Posted on September 18, 2019 at 5:42 pm

    I am trapped in a marriage in that very situation only with my wife its any argument at all means one month of not talking to each other along with a year of no physical contact of any kind. Not even a hand on her shoulder. It does not matter if a month later she sees she was being unreasonable. She might apologize for it, but the year of no physical contact stays. As of the time I am writing this, I have not touched my wife in over two years.

    Reply
  28. Thoralmir Posted on September 18, 2019 at 7:48 pm

    This guy sounds like Kermit the Frog crossed with Chubby Checker. Anyone else think so?

    Reply
  29. Sven Bro Posted on September 19, 2019 at 11:17 am

    Is it some kind of ironic choice or why is this video so fukn quiet?!

    Reply
  30. General Duck Gaming Posted on September 19, 2019 at 11:45 pm

    he looks like ice cube

    Reply
  31. Milan Fitzgerald Posted on September 20, 2019 at 7:17 am

    Thank you for your story

    Reply
  32. David Hayden Posted on September 21, 2019 at 1:52 pm

    THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY.

    Reply
  33. קרן שגב נוי Posted on September 23, 2019 at 8:45 pm

    You’re gorgeously beautiful omg

    Reply
  34. KhmerD0g Posted on September 25, 2019 at 6:15 am

    How do I overcome emotional abuses from my ex-wives with the help of a family court

    Reply
  35. ELfuego Posted on September 25, 2019 at 11:19 pm

    damn what’s up ice cube

    Reply
  36. J W Posted on September 26, 2019 at 6:10 am

    This speaker would be so much more effective if he didn't stress so many words and just got on with it.

    Reply
  37. cowsome12 Posted on September 26, 2019 at 2:36 pm

    Guys, please stop!
    please please stop woman hateing in the comments here. that obviously isn't what this talk is about and if you actually listen to his story he at no point condemns woman he only condemns the actions of an abusive spouse. I have experienced emotional abuse from a woman. I know how hard that situation is to navigate as a man. you feel trapped because it feels like if you speak out you won't be listened to or worse be seen as the aggressor, especially by women. I can tell you that isn't true. if it wasn't for the love and kindness I have gotten from my beautiful girlfriend and amazing female friend I would still experience the same deep depression I use to, but now I am genuinely so so happy. I can honestly say one of my female friends saved my life and I see her as a sister. I will never forget us both crying with happiness on the phone after I had my first happy day after months of constant darkness. most women want to help you and be there for you. Saying stuff like "women just use what you say against you" isn't doing anything but isolating you from some of the most amazing people you will ever have in your life.

    Reply
  38. Rachael Masters Posted on September 26, 2019 at 2:58 pm

    Not all cases of abuse can be taken into a courtroom, before a judge and jury and a person jailed for the horrible things they did to another. It's so wrong.
    There is no excuse for abuse, no ifs, no buts, nothing. There is no excuse for abuse.
    Some abuse shows on the outside of a person. Psychological/ emotional abuse shows only on the inside. The scars abuse victims carry are very similar, because they don't fade. Like all victims there are situations in life (post abuse) that trigger flashbacks, words that are spoken, memories, etc., just because the victim isn't in the situation anymore doesn't mean it's not painful. Their journey to recovery is a lonely and painful one; support networks are so crucial. Victims tend not to speak up or get help, some tell them they should "quit being so sensitive". The wounds inflicted by another are deep and recovery is a long journey. It's so important to speak about, yet so many don't understand, don't recognise and don't know how to support or get help. In today's times, it is just unacceptable.

    Reply
  39. dumpster truck cunt mcgee Posted on September 26, 2019 at 6:44 pm

    Man up and deal with it they say but tbh they would be the one not knowing what to do if they ever felt the pain of true depression.

    Reply
  40. dumpster truck cunt mcgee Posted on September 26, 2019 at 6:45 pm

    it isnt about your skin color either men are men

    Reply
  41. MrHallows Posted on September 27, 2019 at 8:26 pm

    And I thought I spoke slowly..

    Reply
  42. Steelhorsecowboy Posted on September 28, 2019 at 6:56 am

    Never open yourself up to a woman. They don't want to hear it. If they do hear it they will use it against you. Keep your own counsel and don't take things to heart. Women want strength in a man. They don't care what you feel except in relation to your feelings about them. Be strong and keep it to yourself because nobody cares.

    In this talk it wasn't about his appearance it is simply the nature of women. They will always find something to complain about. My mother told me that when I first got married. She told me dont take it to heart because its largely simply an attention seeking mechanism. It gets them attention from their spouse and when he reacts if affirms her and reassures her of the security of the relationship.

    I have been happily married for 40 yrs. I learned that when she starts complaining or being critical and abusive that she is really looking for attention and affirmation. Women never directly say what they want.

    You need to read them like the sounds of an engine, or like tracking deer or reading the movements of a bobber on a fishing line.

    Reply
  43. Andres Valdes Posted on September 28, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    Tim Golden I truly hope that you continue sharing this powerful and important message. Thank you for sharing your story. So many men and especially boys are hurting. I hope they can hear your message.

    Reply
  44. disgruntledtoons Posted on September 28, 2019 at 8:34 pm

    Here's one way you can help: When one of your Facebook friends posts a joke in which a woman abuses her husband, simply comment, "Domestic violence is not funny." It's a small start.

    Reply
  45. Don Tan Posted on September 28, 2019 at 10:41 pm

    NEVER EVER show your emotions or soft side to a woman, EVER………

    Reply
  46. The Wastelander Posted on September 29, 2019 at 8:36 pm

    oh, talking about self in third person, trying to distance himself from the wounds…

    Reply
  47. Mystery NumberNine Posted on September 29, 2019 at 11:40 pm

    Everything this brother's saying is true.

    Reply
  48. Lenny Williams Posted on September 29, 2019 at 11:48 pm

    Beautiful speech

    Reply
  49. all iknow Posted on September 30, 2019 at 2:56 am

    Thank you. So much.

    Reply
  50. Dane Wetton Posted on September 30, 2019 at 2:58 am

    I could listen to this man speak all day.

    Reply
  51. Jim Croft Posted on September 30, 2019 at 7:50 am

    This is…familiar.

    Reply
  52. Jordan Maertens Posted on September 30, 2019 at 11:07 am

    Equal rights equal fights!

    Reply
  53. Vincent Hall Posted on October 1, 2019 at 11:41 am

    Some things become clear.
    Thank you Timothy Golden for your brave speach.

    Reply
  54. Paul Crosley Posted on October 2, 2019 at 12:58 am

    One word….MGTOW!

    Reply
  55. Curt Christensen Posted on October 2, 2019 at 2:15 pm

    (Girl gets a tiny cut on her finger) "oh you poor dear. Can I help?" (man gets his legs blown off by a grenade during combat) "stop crying about it and man up"

    Reply
  56. First Posted on October 3, 2019 at 6:28 am

    Dude's so nervous his forehead is melting. got to respect him still getting on that stage though

    Reply
  57. Churn Blanston Posted on October 3, 2019 at 7:01 am

    Why not just lose the weight? Being obese is self-abuse and is not healthy. I've been putting in the effort to get my weight down for over a year, and it's working because I'm determined to make it work. It IS doable! Your partner does deserve an attractive and healthy partner. You deserve to be as attractive and healthy as you can be. Make yourself worthy and others will have a harder time diminishing your worth!

    Reply
  58. richard bedford Posted on October 4, 2019 at 4:25 am

    My first wife beat me down then dumped me. My second wife could not pull the same game on me. When she tried I'de flat out tell her if you are unhappy with me maybe you should go find someone you like better. I meant it too. I never had any trouble after that. Just because you love someone does not mean you have to take abuse like that.

    Reply
  59. Lou Belmont Posted on October 5, 2019 at 6:35 am

    Thank you Dr. Golden, you have given me the understanding I needed, and shown me that i am not unstable, or inadequate. You have given me an insight that brings me clarity and peace.

    Reply
  60. First last Posted on October 5, 2019 at 12:43 pm

    This is why MGTOW is growing

    Reply
  61. Ayush Tiwari Posted on October 5, 2019 at 7:39 pm

    Not a very wise man…

    Reply
  62. viscose808 Posted on October 6, 2019 at 12:15 am

    Funny how this Ted talk is extremely quiet to people don’t keep watching..

    Reply
  63. noneya bizness Posted on October 6, 2019 at 5:31 pm

    is it me or is the audio on this MESSED UP not loud enough?

    Reply
  64. Racebug Posted on October 7, 2019 at 12:22 am

    As a man myself, I feel like this talk literally served no purpose of any kind. Yes, men have feelings. So what?
    What does pointing that out do? What issue did it solve?
    The issue with the current state of most young adults' mindset is exactly valueing emotion over any other thing.

    Men don't need to "talk about" abusive relationships, they need to know how to avoid them or how to, at least, demand respect from others.
    Men can punch other men if there is any lack of respect (which is a major blockade to disrespect between men, no one wants to get punched in the face). Men can't do that to a woman, so talking about it solves nothing because men need to know other ways to defend themselves if they ever get themselves in a abusive situation.

    A man has family that has seen him grow, friends that developed with him and (hopefully) eachothers view of the world was challenged and exercised through shared experiences, which are building blocks for the formation of character, but instead you decide to "talk about your insecurities" with your wife!?
    The person that can literally have 0 connection to you by this time tomorrow, if they ever want to leave the relationship, is the person you rely to keep your secrets?

    Man need to be tought (more than ever i belive) that only actions can be relied upon. Words can be twisted, can mask multiple things, words can also help you lie to yourself constantly, but change only comes from action.

    Want to lose weight? Go move, if you can't move your body, then don't move your mouth.
    Want to get better at drawing, draw more.
    Want to get better grades? Read more, do more exercises.

    A men must keep himself in action not because someone asks you to or society demands it from you, but because only you can work on yourself. Only you need you to work on yourself.

    Society won't care more about "man's feelings" because of man "talking about" how they aren't heard to. So you have to listen to yourself. Don't be afraid to feel, but don't expect others to care about your feelings. You expose yourself to feelings because only actions, situations, or things, and your own feelings and conclusions about said actions, situations, or things allow you grow, that is how you expand your view of the world.

    Reply
  65. McRodexx Posted on October 7, 2019 at 3:31 am

    I wish I have someone to talk about my emotions and feelings to because my dad has been emotionally abusing me for way too long, and I feel that if I tell him the way I feel towards him, I feel like he is gonna no longer look at me as a son and more of a weak son that is a disappointment to him for expressing his emotions, I see a lot of people who look at their dads as one of their childhood best friends who would play catch with them or go and hangout with them somewhere, but I look at my dad as a boss who if I let down will no longer want me to be associated with me and look at me as a disappointment and won’t be anything good in life

    Reply
  66. Ryan K Posted on October 8, 2019 at 7:02 am

    i like the personality of this man… sometimes i wonder if beautiful souls have an expression through the voice of some people. i like his voice. it's like he's trying to keep from crying all the time. some of my fav singers have strange, seemingly strained voices like that; i wonder why…

    Reply
  67. Throw communists out of helicopters Posted on October 8, 2019 at 7:33 pm

    Nobody cares about us men. We've been told to "embrace our emotions" and when we do we're sneered at and ignored.

    Reply
  68. Electroflame 618 Posted on October 9, 2019 at 2:29 am

    lead poisoning

    Reply
  69. Oscar Posted on October 10, 2019 at 11:16 am

    It's interesting. As a kid my dad never really put the idea of having to man up or surpress your own feelings in my head. Yet the thoughts still formed. I do not know what in society made me think like this but it is personally so hard to stop thinking like this.

    I fell into a depression and only since I have been going to therapy for a year now I have started to talk about it to friends and family. The fact that I never learnt to talk about it has screwed me over big time now. I know people say that you shoukd talk about it, but there is a social pressure under men that I can only say because I force that same pressure.

    I noticed when reading the comments on this video I thought "stop whining that men have it so bad". I was so surprised by this. It is so deeply rooted into my mind that even after knowing that it is one of the biggest reasons Im in this bad place I still thought it.

    Manning up is so deeply rooted in society and in myself that it will continue to be the reason 3/4 of suicides are male. It will continue to make many fall into a depression.

    Personally I will try to work on getting these thoughts out, which might takes many many years, and i hope you do the same.

    Reply
  70. theEisbergmann Posted on October 10, 2019 at 1:24 pm

    Is downvoting this video emotional abuse, too? I can‘t imagine why the mental health of a person is something to downvote.
    Thank you mr. Golden for that TedTalk, I really enjoyed it.

    Reply
  71. Samuel Trajano Posted on October 10, 2019 at 4:48 pm

    A few years ago i realized women will take feelings as an valid argument. I just thought this is gold!

    Reply
  72. Dennis 1999 Posted on October 10, 2019 at 6:15 pm

    my first girlfriend physically and emotionally abused me. i liked to think to myself that i loved her and she loved me. on many occasions she would hurt my feelings by saying thinks like "see that man? that's what a man should look like" or telling me she wants a man who is always in control of his feelings. She would sometimes just slap me when i disagreed with her. i started to see that it was always just how she felt , never how i felt. it was then i finally questioned myself if this was really love ? after all this was my first relationship and i was scared to break up with her. My Mother said from the start that she didn't like her and i would proceed to defend her for whatever reason. it got to a point where i started to doubt myself and tell myself i wasn't enough, my Mind started to be a dark place and i stopped doing sports . eventually i broke up with her, she cried and said she would change. i had my mind set and received one last slap to the face. this is now 7 months ago , i still have trust issues and avoid relationships.

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  73. Donny Sandley Posted on October 11, 2019 at 2:35 am

    Forget yourself 🤫 and Lear something 😲

    Reply
  74. James Boaz Posted on October 11, 2019 at 2:56 am

    Don't forget to think about your son's.

    Reply
  75. William Riggs Posted on October 11, 2019 at 9:35 pm

    News, talk shows like the view and many others concentrate on what's wrong with men. The problem most often (not always) is women's expectations of men based on tv "reality" shows. American women now look for a meal ticket from men and then cheat with others and hence the murder rate!!! Wake TFU bitches…..MGTOW is the fastest growing movement in America. Why buy the sorry cow when the hoes give it to everybody!!!

    Reply
  76. Tom P Posted on October 12, 2019 at 1:15 am

    IAM homeless because of my x wife's divorce and don't no were to go sometimes I relish the thought of death

    Reply
  77. Seth Lin Posted on October 12, 2019 at 5:36 pm

    The speaker mentioned that men who has similar issues like what he has faced use the quote "you're telling my story"

    As a man myself encountering similar issues to what the speaker describes, yes he's basically telling my story too!

    Reply
  78. Linux Noob for Life Posted on October 12, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    Dude. That was intense. You're a compelling speaker. Once you started your talk I had to listen all the way to the end. You told half of my story. My wife isn't abusive–she's very kind to me (most of the time!). The other part though, about how you were raised: real men don't cry and they don't talk about their feelings. My father taught me that too, and I still haven't broken free of it. My grandfather sucked up his pain, my father sucked up his pain, and now I do too. I hope someday I'm brave enough to change the way you did. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply
  79. Eric Parco Posted on October 12, 2019 at 7:48 pm

    Spread the word fellow Man.

    Reply
  80. leo prior Posted on October 12, 2019 at 9:03 pm

    There's nothing wrong with suicide as long as it is done right & you've explained to your loved ones why, also you want to make sure you don't do only half a job at it

    Reply
  81. LabeledNotOrIouS Posted on October 13, 2019 at 12:45 pm

    I like that men try to do that to another men Out of jealousy and it’s revealed

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  82. Magic Zerda Posted on October 13, 2019 at 12:54 pm

    He kinda sounds like Kermit

    Reply
  83. Adrian A Posted on October 13, 2019 at 2:01 pm

    While I agree with him, I also think we should take some personal responsibility for the problems we face… and do something about that. I guess its not always possible to adjust to expectations but, he didnt mention at all him trying to adjust to a healthier life physically . The wife insisted on him losing weight is what Im getting from it, sorry if Im being offensive not my intention. I just didnt hear anything about trying to please the wife before the crisis escalated. Maybe he did try to do something about it but didnt mention it here so I may be wrong.

    Reply
  84. Dan Minter Posted on October 13, 2019 at 2:23 pm

    This guy sounds like chubby checker

    Reply
  85. InvestingDJ Posted on October 13, 2019 at 8:55 pm

    Good on you brother. I’ve experienced the same in my past relationship, and I know your talk will help other men and women in the future also.

    Reply
  86. Paulo D Muçaj Posted on October 13, 2019 at 10:12 pm

    I hear my mother says about my father that he's not man enough and its saddens me 🙁

    Reply
  87. Christopher Hause Posted on October 14, 2019 at 3:23 am

    Women and children are human beings, worthy of protection and care.
    Men are human doings. disposable things that are throw away when no longer useful.
    This is the basic truth of human society.

    Reply
  88. EZXSniperZzz Posted on October 14, 2019 at 3:43 am

    This society of ours has given more time than ever to exist in peace with food and shelter.
    No long do we die of war and disease. No longer are we confined by the older ways of life.
    So now we can see the psychological damage of these old rules on modern humans.
    Damaged individuals finding ourselves constantly destroying each other.
    Old ideas of work, social behaviors, traditions, etc.

    So many negative aspects were easy to keep up in the old days because we just didn't have a chance to suffer for long due to dying.

    Yet, with so much time on our hands, we begin to question, what is life beyond reproduction and eating?

    Why am I here?

    So we cling onto the old ways, because at least it's something.
    But now we're learning it doesn't work. It won't solve the current human dilemmas, merely perpetuate them and make things worse.

    Yet not all things from the past are bad.

    Many old philosophers have always been acutely aware of mental health. So why are we still in so much pain when past held wisdom to assist us?

    Simply because we don't talk about. Simply because the basic standard philosophy has yet to be truly challenge.

    But we can start. We can start talking about it candidly. Talk about suffering. Talk about pain.

    We have spent so much time developing new skills to tackle new world problems, but have to do anything to prepare the general mind for this new world.

    Reply
  89. Ian King Posted on October 14, 2019 at 7:01 am

    Thank you sir, thank you.

    Reply
  90. Anthony Coyle Posted on October 14, 2019 at 7:47 am

    Kids meditation school what's the most acceptable within a relationship as so many young people don't look for these things when you meet their future partners

    Reply
  91. Jeje Wa Posted on October 14, 2019 at 10:17 am

    Psychological violence it is called against men!

    Reply
  92. Hoshen Damri Posted on October 14, 2019 at 3:09 pm

    For any female or even male who feel like he/she has the authority of saying that women suffer more in regards to the subject; this ain't no competition, even if you do(and i will not express my opinion about how who treated worse emotionally of the two genders) you shouldn't feel any good about it.

    Reply
  93. Usedto Besomebody Posted on October 14, 2019 at 5:53 pm

    I met her, we fell, a child was born, my attention fell more onto being a father than her, she had a lengthy affair, he knew, she spread lies about my character, justified her actions, but because I provided and because I made life easier for her she persisted on our relationship. I refused to marry, at my lowest points of self esteem gave thought to it. But the inadequacies and feelings of betrayal consumed me. My childhood predisposed me to behavior I did not know existed inside of me. While she continued to want a physical relationship, I disconnected. No longer did I feel attracted to my partner because in my mind she was no longer mine. I wanted to die. My picture perfect family was a lie. Had I been allowed to feel, allowed to communicate my feelings, I would have reached a happier and healthier conclusion. Instead I bottled and repressed, for the sake of my child. I had no father, I only occasionally had a mother. This was not a life I wanted for anyone. I began to soul search amidst the heavy burdens, asking if I had become complacent. Believing to my core that I was solely to blame. And after two years of neglect, of being silenced, of being ignored. I struck her. Not my finest moment, it terrified me. It shook my being. It left me asking, is this who I am now? Is this something that I can ensure never happens again so long as I live? I was arrested, which by the nature of things was the right course of action. My assault was classified so low that it does not even appear on my criminal record. Yet, the shame, the humiliation, and the regret. That is on my permanent record. I live with it every day. We still live together now. The abuse on my part ended just as suddenly as it began. Her abuse towards me did not. My anger did not show strength or power it conveyed weakness and a lack of self control, something that has been used against me countless times since. In fact, these last few weeks have been cathartic. I no longer fear her or the life I would live being a part-time father. I have confessed that I am no longer in love with her. Even still she sits beside me and tries to sensually run her fingers up and down my back, my neck, and even attempts to reach for my groin. What I live with now is guilt, for finally saying no after all of this time. I feel guilty because I feel a sense of willpower and it took me this long to find it. I no longer cook or clean or raise our child to please her, but to please myself. I feel relief. We are not in the best of financial situations so instead we now sleep in separate beds. I was weak and now I'm trying to be strong. Even with the shame I live with.

    Reply
  94. VaderFloyd69 Posted on October 14, 2019 at 7:48 pm

    Looks like I need a shrink…

    Reply
  95. Icedra 4444 Posted on October 15, 2019 at 2:44 am

    Thank you for telling our story and for making others like you and I feel less alone in these cases. I have been a victim of physical and mental abuse on a few occasions. I have never been allowed to tell my side and when I do I am discredited for being a male and should fall in the line as what a "real man" should be. I have been driven to the ultimate extremes such as you a few times. I rarely have anyone that is will to talk to me and I start to believe all of their words and wonder what the point is. I have difficulty with emotion as it is and the thought of death has never bothered me which is bothersome if that makes sense. Anyway, thank you for telling your story along with so many others of us. Thank you.

    Reply
  96. John Kincaid Posted on October 15, 2019 at 6:23 am

    Once considered a Mans world, are but now nearly 2nd class, and usually considered suspect.

    Reply
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